Finishing up my last Chemotherapy Treatment.
After 42 weeks I was "done." Whatever that meant. I, in the words of Freddy Mercury, "wanted to break free," and I couldn't be discharged fast enough. For some reason in my mind I thought that "this was it," I was done with cancer. But here are two facts that have become very clear to me over the past three years.
1. Cancer is real and there is no escaping it. It is still such a huge part of my every day life. I guess back in 2006 I thought that as soon as chemo was done then cancer was done, but boy was I wrong. Not only does cancer still effect my life emotionally, but physically and financially as well. Dan and I had a wierd since of de ja vu while I was in the hospital having Henry. It was too much like being in the hospital for chemo. I guess every time I think that I am over cancer, it comes back to bite me in the butt, in one way or another.
2. Secondly being a cancer survivor brings with it a huge burden of guilt. Obviously I have been very blessed with my treatment and recovery. But unfortunately most people who are diagnosed with Ewing's Sarcoma have a very poor survival rate. I feel so much guilt seeing so many children affected by cancer, so many children that die from cancer...and yet I was spared. Lately I have also been thinking about all of the animals that have been used for cancer research. I don't know for a fact, but I can make a pretty good guess that some animal- a rat, a rabbit, a monkey, was used to test the chemo drugs that I would take. I feel such a sense of gratitude for those animals that were sacrificed so that I could live. The guilt can be crushing sometimes.
But I suppose I should be grateful. I have been so blessed in these past three years. So blessed.
But I suppose I should be grateful. I have been so blessed in these past three years. So blessed.
9 comments:
I would love it if you could come to Utah for the wedding in May to meet Derek. It's May 8th. Oh, it'd be so nice to see you.
He was diagnosed with stage 4 Hodgkin's Lymphoma about 2 years ago before I even knew him. I'm so glad he's still around! And I'm so happy for you that you were able to have a baby! It's wonderful marvelous.
we are all blessed that you are a survivor!
I'm so glad that you are so blessed. I was terrified for you. I'm so grateful that things have gone so well. You deserve it.
I have said many prayers of gratitude that you have survived! I know you have many things to do in your future. And now we know your main reason for being here is to be Henry's mother. He is blessed!
You should not feel guilty about the sacrifice that those animals made so that you may live. Even though the rats, monkeys, or rabbits did not make the choice to be test subjects. I am sure that if they were capable of making a choice they would be more than willing to sacrifice their lives so that the countless individuals, children and adults, can have life.
But for the sake of those cute little critters I thought you would be interested to hear that I might have the potential opportunity to do an Animal Law internship this summer.
-B-
You are so incredible!
You have been so blessed and so have we to have watched everyting you have been through and to see what an amazing person you have become...what a great example. Don't ever feel guilty about blessings that God gives you. All you can do is be the best mom you can be and teach little Henry. Love you and I'm so proud of you and the wonderful person you are!
You will never know how glad I am that you are here!! We love you so much.
It is not who we are when the road is easy that counts, it is who we become when the road is difficult that really matters.
Love, Mom
We moved in the ward with you guys just 6 months after this and for awhile I didn't even know about your cancer. It's strange seeing these pictures having joined the ward family after they had rallyed around you. There was a connection there I knew I had missed and couldn't be a part of because I hadn't had the opportunity to worry for you and serve you during that time.
Post a Comment