Unapologetic

This may come off a little political, although it is not meant to be.  However with that said, let me say this.  I am not sure who I’ll vote for.  I really don’t think things will change that much in four years regardless of who wins the election.  That may be pessimistic, but come on most people can’t pay off a car loan in four years let alone a trillion dollars in debt.  But enough about that, this isn’t about the election.  

In the political world I would be considered a moderate.  However I claim a religious affiliation that would most likely consider me liberal.  I’m not out to making marrying your dog legal, but I do conform to equal rights regardless of your age, sex, race, orientation or ability.  I am pro animal rights.  I recycle.  I am personally against abortion, but I believe in the women’s right to choose.  I am pro health care reform.  I don’t think it is a grievous sin if the woman works outside the home.  I don’t spend hours on facebook, or craft blogs or pintrest.  I like tofu, and James Taylor, and going to farm sanctuaries…ok I digress…

Most of the time my moderate/liberal thinking is not a problem.  That is until I try to pair who I am with the culture of that certain religious affiliation I was talking about before.  I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I am proud to be a Mormon.  I have absolutely no issue with the doctrine of the church.  I understand that, like any religions, there are huge historical flaws in our church-not due to the doctrine per se, but to the weaknesses and humanness of man.  That’s not where the problem lies.  For me the problem lies within the culture of the church.  (Of course if you are not of the Mormon faith this post may mean absolutely nothing to you because it can be hard to understand a culture if you are not submersed in it.)  For those of us who are this moderate/liberal/open-minded/hippy-dippies it can be really hard to be who you are and yet at the same time fit into this culture.  Now, of course living in the West (and heaven forbid living in Utah) makes it harder because there are subsequently more Mormons in the West, but I am a West coast gal and so I stay.   

I got yelled at this week at church. I opened my mouth and shared an opinion, which was obviously not the opinion of the teacher and she yelled at me.  She hushed me so quickly as to not let one more drop of blasphemy leave my lips. Told me to stop.  To not mention it again.  She yelled at me-AT CHURCH.  I was so embarrassed, like I had done something wrong.  I would have gotten up to leave, but I was stuck in the corner with the baby and car-seat.  My heart started to race and my cheeks went red.  This lady totally over-reacted at something I said.  And I was mad too, because she halted me so quickly that I didn’t even get to finish my thought.  Her over-reaction thus labeled me as “the trouble maker.”  

Now let me clarify, what I was saying was NOT against any of the teachings of the church.  It was not anti-Christian or anti-Mormon.  It was not anything that probably wasn’t mentioned before.  It was my opinion, my moderate/liberal/open-minded/hippy-dippy opinion.  And I refuse to apologize for my opinion.  The problem is, I don’t have any friends here in my ward (church congregation).  I have already had some pretty negative interactions in this ward (such as a lady telling me how to raise Henry).  This particular ward is very cliquish and I have had a really hard time fitting in.  I know it shouldn’t bother me, but when the Church, its doctrine and culture, play such a huge part of your life, it can be very hard to just brush it off.  And now that the truth is out-that I’m not like “them,” I feel that it will continue to be hard to make friends.  It is discouraging.

Dan had to remind me that ward families are meant to teach us unconditional love, to learn to work with people who you don’t like and who don’t like you, who think differently than you, who drive you crazy!  Going to church is meant to humble us.  And for those of us who are Liberal Mormons, we may not find friends inside the church.  We may have to continue to attend church week after week and endure the loneliness of feeling out of place because we have a testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel, not because it’s our social hour.

What makes it particularly disheartening is that I don’t want the way we choose to live our lives and raise our children, make it hard on our children.  I cry to think of my children being picked on and ridiculed by members of their same faith because they are not just like them.  It’s hard enough to make friends as it is.  I don’t want them to have to endure the same feelings that I did last Sunday.  But at the same time, what am I suppose to do?

I refuse to apologize for being who I am.