The Newest Shelton

In birthing class we learned that despite what movies and TV may show only 12-15% of women who are pregnant have their bag of waters spontaneously broken. Well, at 2:50 (just about two hours after I went to bed) Heidi woke me up saying she thinks her water broke. They did and we were in the hospital twenty minutes later.

After a few hours of contractions Heidi was at a 4 and the pain was becoming too much to bear and even though she wanted to go natural she relented to some pain meds which made her sick so she opted for the epidural. Since I am a man and have no way to comprehend this type of pain I’ll have to believe her when she said it was bad.

The nurse told me too many fathers have a hard time watching the epidural so they ask all fathers to leave the room. That is stupid, I have seen far worse than an epidural and thanks to my Army Medic experience I have stuck lost of needles into men and women. Grudgingly, I left the room and after hearing what transpired after I left I regret succumbing to their lame request.

You see, Heidi had an immediate reaction to the epidural and almost instantly went paralyzed from her neck down. In the meantime baby’s pulse tanked and half a dozen people rushed into the room. Heidi was terrified as she heard them say prepare the operating room for an emergency c-section. Meanwhile I’m sitting in the waiting room reading the newspaper like some sort of oblivious jerk-off as my wife and baby were in serious trouble. Great rule, why would you want a husband around as his family is in danger?

After a few minutes they both recovered and Heidi had a partial epidural but no pump because of her reaction. So, for the rest of the delivery Heidi had to do with a bad reaction to meds and the epidural. By the time the delivery was done the meds had both worn off but Heidi was a champ and did not complain of any pain, just a lot of intense pressure.

EDITORS NOTE: What actually happened was that the spinal needle used for the epidural actually went into the spinal canal instead of on top of the spinal canal. When the doctor tested it by injecting a small bolus of the drug, Heidi was immediately paralyzed and the baby's heart rate drop dramatically. This later caused a spinal fluid leak which landed Heidi bed ridden for a week. A second epidural was offered, but Heidi refused. Thus by the time of delivery all pain meds had worn off.

Giving birth is hands down the most disgusting thing I have ever witnessed and I have seen some pretty freaky stuff including Ben’s mangled body after falling two stories, a man’s finger pinched off by the breach of a cannon, and personally pulling some poor Dominican’s tooth out of his mouth with a pair of dental pliers among other fun events.

But boy, the sights, smells, and colors involved in delivery is disturbing if not horrifying and to be honest I don’t understand how any man has any sort of sexual appetite for some time. However, I will admit, it is unbelievable…nope, it is pretty incredibly amazing that out of all that yelling, goop, blood, and odor comes a real life baby.

Granted Heidi did not totally, 100% succeed in having an all-natural birth she did achieve something even better: I am proud to announce that Heidi did NOT soil herself during the delivery of our new baby boy.

Introducing:
Henry Petersen Shelton
Born 12/26/08
3:23 PM
6 pounds, 4 ounces
21 inches