If you're not a mother, then what are you?

When I came home yesterday from school, I was greeted by my niece and a rather scary robotic baby, “This is Emily!”

My niece has this “baby” for the weekend for her adult roles class. It cries periodically and when it does she puts multiple “keys,” such as change diaper, feed, and attention into Emily’s back until she stops crying. My niece headed outside, for like 5 minutes, and the baby started crying. I went over to the baby and put in a key, no success. I reached for the next key on the chain and put it in-the baby stopped crying-but only because I put the PANIC key in. The PANIC key was not supposed to be used, and I may have caused my niece her grade. Needless to say, I feel so guilty, and I stayed up until 2 a.m. thinking about this robot baby…and thinking about real babies.

Is this why I can’t have children-because I’d put the PANIC key in?

It didn’t help either, that while I was thinking about Emily I was also blog surfing, or stalking, as my friend calls it. Before I knew it I had found myself reading blogs of many friends that I haven’t seen since High School. Everyone seems to have the house, the two point five kids, the doting husband, the babystrology.com monitor on the side, and not to forget the tribute to President Hinckley-The Perfect Mormon Family.

I don’t think that other members realize how emotionally hard it can be when you don’t fit that perfect Mormon mold. People say, “Oh, it’s nice that you’ve decided to wait on kids.” When I know in their head they are thinking, “What’s their problem, I wonder why they don’t want kids.” Well here are some truths that I’d like to share with other Mormon moms out there:

1. Having earthly children does not guarantee your spot in the Celestial Kingdom
2. Just because you don’t have children does not mean that you are unrighteous
3. It’s none of your business when or if a couple decides to have children

Not having children wasn’t really a conscious decision for us. My choices were simply this:

• Stay sterile and most likely die of Ewing’s Sarcoma
• Undergo intensive chemotherapy and most likely lose the ability to reproduce

Unfortunately I did not understand the repercussions that would come from becoming childless. I didn’t understand the sorrow, the longing, the emptiness. Maybe it’s jealousy or maybe it’s because I feel cheated in a way.

I have found comfort though, first off in the words of Ardeth G. Kapp, a member of the church who was unable to have children and who chose not to adopt. Here is an excerpt from her talk Unable to Have Children.

We [Brother and Sister Kapp] remember the emotional highs and lows with every month, including the fast and testimony meetings when testimonies were borne by those who asked in faith and were blessed with children. We know how you return home and put two dinner plates on the table and recall the marriage covenant to multiply and replenish the earth and your desperate desire to qualify for that honor in righteousness. You can’t explain your feelings to each other, much less to your family and friends; and your whole soul cries out as did Job, “If I be righteous, … I am full of confusion; therefore see thou mine affliction.” (Job 10:15)

How do we handle unfulfilled expectations? First, we must accept the reality that this life is not intended to be free of struggle. In fact, it is through struggle that we are given opportunities to fulfill the very purpose of this mortal life. It is the fiery trials of mortality that will either consume us or refine us.

I will forever remember the day a child new to our neighborhood knocked on our door and asked if our children could come out to play. I explained to him, as to others young and old, for the thousandth time, that we didn’t have any children. This little boy squinted his innocent face in a quizzical look and asked the question that I had not dared put into words, “If you are not a mother, then what are you?”

When I heard this talk for the first time, “If you are not a mother, then what are you?” sunk deep into my thoughts. What am I if I am not a mother? And why is being a mother the only thing that should define a woman? Here is a list of who I am.

• A wife
• An animal-mother, daughter, grand-daughter, sister, cousin, niece, and an aunt (although a horrible one)
• A Child of God
• A Cancer Survivor
• A Graduate Student
• A Music loving, Guitar playing fool
• A Vegetarian
• A Certified and Registered Radiology Technologist
• A Liberal Realist
• A Friend

Secondly I have found comfort in music. From the Hymns to Metallica there is peace in music. Here are the lyrics to a particular song that has continued to bring light into my life.

So Hard
Dixie Chicks

It felt like a given,
Something a women’s born to do.
A natural ambition,
To see the reflection of me and you.
I’d feel so guilty if that was a gift I couldn’t give
Could you be happy if life wasn’t how we pictured it?
And sometimes I just want to wait it out to prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on ‘cause you know
It’s so hard
So hard
It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy
It’s so hard when it doesn’t come fast
It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy
It’s so hard

And for all of you noseys, snoops, or just plain curious, Dan and I are in the process of adoption. We are praying for a child by the end of the year, but the process can be lengthy.

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.”
Ecclesiastes 3:1

EDITORS NOTE: How could we have guessed that the day after completing our adoption papers we would find out that we were pregnant with our lovely Henry! What a blessing he has been! However this does not change my feelings AT ALL about this post. I personally understand the emotional roller-coaster that being childless can be, and I empathize completely with families that are struggling with fertility.